How Does A Narcissist React When They Can’t Control You?

Posted by John Anumba

Narcissists react violently when they can’t control you anymore. You should know that the fact that you’ve figured them out and doing the direct opposite of what they expect from you is an insult to their ego.

How Does A Narcissist React When They Can't Control You?

Depending on their subconscious need to retain control over you, they apply different techniques to get you back under their control. 

It is about understanding these techniques and watching out for them or else you might find yourself slowly getting back under their control. Lack of control frustrates them and negatively affects their self-esteem, if you decide to leave them, don’t expect they would let you go without a fight or an attempt to discourage you from leaving.

A narcissist is not just a man or woman you are dating – you can have a narcissistic mother, father, brother, and sister. It is a personality that comes with almost the same traits, the need to feel powerful and keep their subject under their control for as long as possible. The moment you get the idea and their tricks, getting out of their bondage becomes a possibility you can work on.

Understanding why they control you and leaving them is one part of their process. Learning the tricks they will apply after you are no more under their control is another lesson to learn.

In this post, we will help you understand some of those tricks so you can recognize them and not fall victim again.

Tricks Narcissists Use To Get You Back Under Their Control

Openly showing that you are no longer a slave to their bondage is seen as an insult to a narcissist. For them, it is imperative that they be the only ones making all the decisions and choices.

The thought of not being the one calling the shot is a big blow to their self-esteem which inspires them to pull out the tricks under their sleeve to get back to power.

Anger and revenge is an option that can be applied when it’s becoming clear the control is no longer within their reach.

Revenge as a result of anger doesn’t necessarily have to be violence though this is dependent on their personality, intelligence, level of functioning.

With that said, here are some of the tricks a narcissist might pull in other to get you back under his/her control.

Violent Response

There are narcissists that use violence as their means of getting you back to their control. These people fall back to their natural instinct and have no control over their actions.

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The common reason they give for their action is that they don’t like the use of force or threats but you are making them do it.

If you have a narcissist with this mentality, leaving their control is not just what you should do, getting far away from them physically is very important because you might get hurt.


This is the narcissist that does a very convincing job in getting you to see that your life can never make meaning without him/her.

They make you feel like leaving them is the craziest decision you will ever make in your life – that you cannot survive without them.

It sounds simple when you read about it here but in reality, these narcissists can be very convincing. The information they have about you arms them up with the power to manipulate you. 

They are very intelligent and smart. The combination of these two traits and narcissism is an explosive and powerful capability of a man that sees the need to stay in control and knows how to go about it.

They are smooth and sound convincing in their quest to make you see what you believe as lies and fantasies. They make you believe they are doing it to help you.

This is possible by filling you with negative thoughts, doubts about your capabilities, make you feel guilty and too insecure to leave them.

The best thing you can do to avoid falling into this trap is never to listen in the first place because they can be really convincing.

Playing the Victim

Some narcissists know how to play the victim card just to get you not to leave them. It doesn’t matter how bad they’ve treated you in the past, they find a way to make you feel like you are the one hurting them.

They begin to apply this trick the moment they observe you’re figuring them out and they can’t control you anymore.

Making you feel guilty and bad becomes the main focus of their relationship with you. They make you take the blame for the relationship failure.

The Mean Narcissist

On a basic level, narcissists are smart and know how to use the tools around them to their advantage. My reason for this refers to the narcissist the will not only insult you but hit all your weak spots both verbally and emotionally.

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This is possible with the information about you they are armed with. 

A narcissist might take the fight further, by reaching out to mutual friends to say something bad about you.

You pray they don’t have any of your pictures you wouldn’t want to be made public. This is the time they use it as a means to threaten you.

These types of narcissists don’t have a strong reason to keep you under their control but value their self-esteem more than the control they have over you.

They want the breakup to be according to their terms in ways that do not hurt their ego. This is why they do everything within their power to destroy your reputation.

The Loverboy

This is the narcissist that makes use of his sexual prowess to make you feel like you are losing out on a lot leaving him.

The aim is to make you feel jealous by using other women to get back to you. A narcissist can go as far as seducing your closest friends and even family members into sleeping with him.

With the era of social media, he is able to it public so as to make you feel jealous of the prettier and younger women he is now rolling with.

He might even go farther to sleeping with girls far younger and good-looking than you are. He just wants to send a message, that he can get any woman he wants and you are the one that made the mistake of leaving him.

The Romantic Fellow

This class of narcissists lives for the control they have over you which is why they up their romance game the moment they realize they are losing control over you.

 They start buying your favorite flowers, take you to romantic dinners are expensive restaurants, and spoil you with gifts and presents. The surprise is never-ending until they have you fully under their control again.

He tells you all the wonderful words he knows you’ll love to hear like “My world is incomplete without you.”, “It is you and I forever.” , “I can’t love anyone else the way I love you.”

It becomes necessary that you realize that these steps are only temporary and will stop once he feels he is back in control. For your own good, don’t stop making important decisions for your life because of these deceptive moves of a narcissist.

Do Narcissists Fear Abandonment and Loneliness?

For a narcissist, the fear of abandonment is dependent on the underlying reasons why they want to retain control over their subject.

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Some might single you out for a particular reason which why the fear of being left alone drives them to apply every trick to keep you within their control.

There are narcissists that love being in control over anyone they place their focus on. The smart and intelligent ones realize that they will never be a lack of prey to bring under their control.

They understand the underlying desire for women and men alike to be loved and cared for. This is why they know how to play the lover’s game and have all the sweet words to tell an identified prey.

These level of narcissists only have their ego and self-esteem get hurt when they lose control over a subject.

This anger drives them to seduce your friends, sleep with younger and prettier girls and even damage your character with the aim of breaking the relationship on their own terms and not yours.

They love to be in power and be the ones to call off the relationship. It gives them more pleasure when you beg them not to leave even when they want to.

However, when the table turns around, they feel bad that you are the one leaving. There is no fear of abandonment or loneliness in this scenario, just anger of losing control over you.

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